A Valred Conundrum

How do you even start writing a blog. Webster dictionary defines blog as hahaha no I wont do that here. So Its been too long since I have posted here ,I wanted to post but then its a bit weird and strange for me to express what I feel like this tweet sums it up for me 

The one thing I am proud of I post a-lot of this nonsense on Instagram for the weekly serotonin chase which is nice. Always chase serotonin, It could be worse right I could be posting stuff like ‘I want to text you then I think do you feel the same’ I see you and I cringe every time *wink wink nudge nudge*. I am just glad i have not come to that point because that would be my rock bottom for sure.

This year was special, I finally thought of making few changes some of them good some them very bad but that's how it goes. I have done a lot more changes in my current routine as well.

I try to wake up early in the week except for Sundays because I refuse to believe there is such a thing as Sunday morning. 

I am listening to a lot of philosophy podcasts(this part will get a bit too nerdy skip the whole para if none of it makes sense), it is said that philosophy is the wisdom to live life and I cant agree more. I have listened to enough content to make a decision that I can never be Nihilist and I was a Cynic during college not only that i was a communist during college but that a different story for another days. I aim to be a stoic somehow that way if thinking has inspired me a-lot especially dealing with this lockdown gift of anxiety and depression, I think Stoicism is the way to go for me at-least. The fact that Marcus Aurelius was the literally the guy who ruled the roman empire and used to have imposter syndrome as child is baffling to see what sort of way he looked at the world, also Seneca the other pillar of stoicism I have heard is not one guy but bunch of people who got down together and wrote a lot of the stuff(stoic philosophy), this is like the same theory that that inventor of bitcoin is not one person but different conglomerates coming together and building what is would be the most destructive in modern day, yeah I know this isn’t the case right now but the future seems bright if you just appreciate what the idea of Crypto is all about. Also i don’t know a lot about crypto but I have this hack wherein I just used the buzzwords like blockchain , ledger, proof of work and people assume I have expertise in this. I am a total fraud no doubt about it. 

it is what it is !

I used to consume a-lot of tv shows  but now I try to limit myself because when it ends then I don’t know what to do making me more anxious so I have a lot of pending tv shows that I need to finish but I haven’t (still haven’t seen the boys season 3 last 3 episodes ) which is also nice. Only downside to this is I keep re-watching a lot of old tv shows because every reminder of even a dialogue is a trigger now.

I try to drink at least or more than 3 liters of water a day but then this has pivoted to a toxic relationship with myself where by end of the days I am abusing my self for ruthlessly inflicting this rule on myself.

I am trying to eat healthy maybe cut down on sugar where-ever I can, this body is getting older and my aim to live to at least 70 years. Luckily there is a significant change wherein I have lost weight but I shouldn't have gained it in the first place but its fine now, We move on! Every night I try to figure out what my life is going to be and I always have trouble figuring out my long term goals. I have watched Clarkson’s Farm almost 3 times now and came across the original account of this dude with goat singing and I have it figured it out now, 

The plan is simple,

• Retire early on a small farm
• Adopt a goat and name it Virat Kohli off course and then few other animals on the bucket list 
• Buy a lawn chair and relax(this is the most important of them all) 

This probably wont happen according to plan but one can only dream but imagine if it happened though hahaha fake scenarios and overthinking will be reason for my downfall.

I have put more effort into reading which every year I keep saying i need to read but come on guys procrastination is very difficult, trust me!. I am currently reading Kafka’s metamorphosis hopefully I am able to complete it this year itself it’s too long almost 90 pages long no but seriously though focus is more on reading also this year.

I have tried to open up a-lot say what comes to mind compliment things that I usually would never compliment, make bad jokes,

click a lot of pictures 

and currently practicing writing haikus - this one I enjoy the most.

I did something way out of my comfort zone which is if can phase it modestly wiped the floor like Michael Jackson pre surgery. 

I think I can say that it was the best wedding I have attended and I have attended a-lot of wedding only one thing I thing annoying was the groom and the fact that there was an apostrophe in the wedding hashtag, I mean come on there are mistakes and there are blunders. Just unacceptable - a cardinal sin in my book(If any one of you are reading this you know I am right #TruthHurts, the roasts comes easy to me and anyways its Vincent who is to be blamed not me). Coming to the feelings part I was very happy something that I have experienced after along time, I think dealing with loss makes you appreciate a lot of the little things that make you feel good because what is the definition of happiness anyways and how long does happiness last. No one knows no one cares! 

Well that about most of the things I have this past 6 months seems a lot but barely scratching the surface.

So coming to the title of this blog,  Nice pun no? its like a well read (Valred) conundrum get it ? No?  Fine I'll stop.

I have this conundrum that I need to find the feeling that resided in the middle of being happy and being content.

The Conundrum

For example you are walking and suddenly a pebbles gets stuck in your footwear 

Now you try a lot of things and it doesn’t seem to come out then you just give up and make peace that this is life now, just then somehow the pebbles fall out and then the sudden relief gushes through 

This relief is what I want to chase maybe even find a way to bottle it up and use when needed. Fingers crossed may in the next six months I am able to find this who knows. I think updating this every six months is also a good idea I am saying this now then after 5 years we will meet again *laughs in old age*

I think I wrote a lot more than I should have written so yeah bye I guess. I really don’t know how to end this post.